My wife: You'll watch any sword and sorcery movie, won't you?
Me: It is my curse.
Since the baby refused to sleep last night, I was burdened with the knowledge that the new Red Sonja movie is on Tubi. Folks, it's not great...but it's not completely awful either. Its biggest sin is that Matilda Lutz doesn't seem to have chemistry with anyone besides the horse playing Sonja's beloved horse. Luke Pasqualino and Robert Sheehan do most of the heavy lifting in this movie. Sheehan especially. He turns what could be a pretty one note villain into one that's pretty memorable.
Where this movie does kind of cook is the random background monsters. There are two characters who are Mandrill people and it goes completely unremarked upon. Where did they come from? Doesn't matter! We gonna get this practical makeup off.
There is also a Cyclops who shows up mid movie. It doesn't do anything memorable besides being one of the coolest fictional Cyclops I've ever seen. It's got the body of a Gorilla along the horns and legs of a goat. That sounds stupid but it absolutely fucking slaps.
I knew I had to stat up these monsters so here they are for your roleplaying pleasure. Torment your PCs! Have them make a new friend! You'll figure out what to do with these guys.
Hyrkanian Cyclops
Armor Class: 5-3 No. Appearing: 1
Hit Dice: 6-9 Save As: Fighting Man (7)
Move: 90' Morale: 7
Attacks: Fist x2, Ram (+2d8 against man made objects)
Damage: 1d8 + 2 Alignment: Neutral
Hyrkanian Cyclops are semi-intelligent wild beasts native to the forests of Hyrkania. Unlike traditional Cyclops, the Hyrkanian variety possess the horns and legs of a ram, with the chest, arms and heads of Gorillas.
Hunted to near extinction for alchemical ingredients or as fodder for fighting pits, many scholars believe fewer than a hundred still exist in the wild.
Mandrill-Men
Armor Class: As armored+/-1 No. Appearing: 1
Hit Dice: 1-4 Save As: Fighting Man (1-4)
Move: 65' Morale: 5
Attacks: 1 weapon, Bite Damage: 1d6/d4+1
The Mandrill-Men are native to the jungles of the Khitai. Outside of their homeland they often turn to mercenary work, being found in as far flung nations as Ib and Asshai.
Mandrill-men are said to be almost twice as strong and hearty as humans, with the ability to leap great distance while howling into battle.
Adventure Seeds
Hyrkanian Cyclops
1. Baron Silhop seeks help transporting a pair of Hyrkanian Cyclops to his countryside menagerie.
2. A Cyclops hunt has gone awry and most of the hunting party is dead. Their surviving kin will pay handsomely to avenge them and claim their trophy.
3. Lord Jerome St. Kita believes that no trained beast can best his Cyclops.
4. Activists seek helping protecting a small enclave of Cyclops from Alchemical ingredient collectors.
Mandrill-Men
1. Zyrin the Furious seeks a suitable wife to continue his line. The hairless women of this land will not do.
2. Kabaki Long-Arms seeks vengeance against the Thieves Guild.
3. Motokeke the Gray has completed his memoirs. Now he would like to die in glorious battle.
4. Researchers have discovered that the Mandrill-Men may not originate in Khitai. Certain individuals will pay handsomely to see their work suppressed.
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